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At a loss for words...

Hey, thought i'd update again. Not a lot to write though.

Recently i've been feeling kinda ergh. I think im just really dissatisfied with my life at the moment. Work sucks, i have no money, people at work are really annoying etc. I think i need to find the fun again, and do more things.

It's really annoying though coz i cant seem to write at all. Everything ive posted in the last few months ive hated with a passion and its such a struggle to feel motivated to write anything. Ive started a new fic but at the moment both chapters ive posted have been so terrible that i dont really wanna write any more, and End of the Line has kinda died a death, which im annoyed about coz im finally getting to the actual important parts of the story. I just cant see to do anything. I have no inspiration, no ideas, no interest. (Hrm...)

I did write most of the challenge fic last night though, even though i hate it. Its the last one and i really wanna make it something that everyone will like but i just dont think its up to anyones standards. Blergh.

But anyway...

News? Well, my friend isnt pregnant, so thats a good thing. I was kinda seeing someone but now i'm not. I think i do have a crush on my ex's brother though, which is really not good. He just started at work, and we hit it off straight away. Very flirty etc. But, he's younger than me, and my ex's brother (incidentally, said ex treated me like shit and it was a very bad break up). So, blergh. He's so lovely though. Ah well..lol.

I've had a few days off work, which has been really nice, but im really tired. Should be going out 2moro to watch my friends band play, which should be really good.

Hrm, i guess thats about it. Kinda boring...

Im gonna try and update some things tonight, even though i dont really feel like it. Maybe i'll write a few song fics. Dunno.

xxx

SNAFU

Well, everything is royally fucked up.

Last saturday i went out out for a few drinks with some friends. We ended up in a busy bar packed full of people. We started talking to this group of guys. They were all business men who were working for a short time in the city. They were all kinda hot.

This would have all been ok, except then we decided to go back to their hotel rooms. Now, my best friend may be pregnant.

I know what you're thinking. This was stupid and irrisponsible. Yes, yes it was.

Needless to say she's freaking out. But she wont know for a month, obv. She barely even remember's his name. Except that he worked for a sports magazine. And mine was from Boston. But luckily im not in the same situation she is. I think ahead...

Aaaaggghhh. So my house is kinda stressed. Been chain smoking since yesterday which is odd coz usually i dont smoke.

I should really do something useful, like write or tidy my room but everything's too tense. And i really wish i could say something to make her feel less upset but there really isnt anyhting i can say. If she is then she'll have to deal with it. It's made all the more of a problem of course coz she's Catholic. Bloody hell.

Right. I should go do something. Need to write the next part of the fic challenge for Sess. Gonna have that posted over the next few days.

Also i should shower now. I hope Matt's not home, he's been annoying recently. But its probably just me getting stressed and projecting, coz he's usually a sweetie.

I wish the OC soundtrack would shut up.

Gonna go find some friends...

xxxxxxxx

Police...

So, updating this shit again then :)

Well, im currently at home, sitting on my bed, writing and shit while everyone is out. I had a dream a while ago, a pretty creepy one, that i keep meaning to write as a story, but heavent gotten around to.

It's bascially about a family where the mother dies and the father is left to bring up his 4 daughters (i didnt quite dream all this but invented it after - plan was lost with old laptop).

So he moves them out to a secluded house in the middle of some woods. The oldest daughter (Lauren i think - age 17) is kinda going off the rails and rebelling against everything and being a bitch. The next daugher (Sammy - age 15) is the narrator, and is concerned about her family, and tries to be a mother to everyone. Next (Elsie - 12) has various problems, possible an eating disorder. And the youngest (Nerys - 6) hasnt spoken a word since her mother died, and has an invisible friend called Holly. She lives in her own world of make-believe, which worries everyone.

This was my dream - Young girl (aged about 6) with long brown hair, is running through some woods, playing a game with an imaginary friend, when she looks up and sees a man/thing dressed in white cloth (almost like a beerkeepers outfit) standing above her in the trees, watching her.

So yeah, that happens to Nerys but she doesnt talk so she doesnt tell anyone, and she keeps seeing him, but you dont know whether she really is seeing him or whether he is, like everything else, imaginary.

Wow, i so didnt intend to write about that :) Oh well :)


Right, my life?

Well, work sucks. People got fired and so we're gonna stage a mass 'handing-in-of-notice' some day soon. Which means i've really gotta find a new job. As i type this though i am currently filling out an application form for an admin position with the Police (woohoo) so, fingers crossed.

Maddy text me this morning, telling me she's lost her purse and is it in the house. It's not, which sucks.

New guy, just started at work, who at first i thought was kinda cute, but too young for me. And then i find out who is he, which was kinda obvious really now that i think about it. He's my ex James's youngest brother, who i never met. And now i have to work with him, and he looks so much like James. And i cant help flirting with him and the bad thing is, is he's flirting back, and i catch him looking at me sometimes and it's all getting really bad. Mainly coz he's way too young for me, and also coz he's JAMES'S BROTHER!! shitshitshit :(

Ah well, these things happen.

My dad sent me some money for my birthday, and actually phoned me on the day, which i think is a first. Usually he forgets. But yeah, so i went and bought an Nintendo DS and some games, so that the money didnt just go on rent and i actually have something to show for turning 24. And i know, a Nintendo DS isnt exactly the responsible and mature present a 24 year old should want, but i wanted it, and its fun, and it cures my boredom :) So yay.

Um, i guess that's about it really. I really wanna work with the police :D

xxxxx

So..yeah..

Well, im back. BT finally decided to remove their heads from their asses and actually do something about my internet connection. So..yay :)

Hrm..what has happened?

Well, ive moved house. I now i live in a much nicer area. Nicer house too, apart from the fact that we have a conservatory instead of a living room which is boiling when it's hot and freezing when it's cold and we cant watch TV during the day coz it's too bright. But, other than that, the house is cool. And, we're no longer living with ben-dickface. So, for that i'm very happy :)

So..this summer??

Well, Dannii was here, living down the road, which is cool. We got obsessed with Hairspray an watched it like, 7 times. Which we could do coz it was free :) The only joy of working in a cinema. Grrr, Ben Beach just called me and put me in a really bad mood. Hate him.

But yeah. We went a few places this summer, renting a car and such. Went to Brecon and to Bath for the day which was nice except that it rained. I also went to London to see Dannii before she left for NZ (going for a year!) and that was ok, except that i got sick towards the end and had to go to the doc's. Apparently i had a hypoglycemic attack, which sucked. I've had a few since but dont feel too bad at the moment. So...bleh.

At the moment i hate work with a passion. Loads of shit has been happeneing, and Emma is being a complete wanker. She went on a witchhunt to get this guy fired and now, coz she did that and it cant look like she was singling him out, about 7 other people have been suspended for doing the same things as him, which everyone does, and dont mean anything. I mean, everyone forgets to charge for extra cheese sometimes, but it doesnt mean you should fucking suspend them and accuse them of stealing. For fucks sake. So now some of them have quit coz they're, obviously, pretty pissed off, and i dont blame them. Its such a shame.

Um...had a very short relationship over the summer too. Well, nothing more than free sex really, but it was there. Meh :)

But now...i think i've fallen for one of my best friends, which sucks. And normally i would just tell myself to get a life but i think he feels the same, which makes it even more complicated. For one, he has a girlfriend, and i know her pretty well. But they're not a good match. She's too....thick and annoying. And there's also the fact that he goes to Uni a long way away, and has now left. And also, coz of all the shit going down at work, he may get fired. So, it all kinda sucks.

Also, had a birthday, which was ok. My mum bought me a digital camera, which is pink and quite cool. I also got dvd's (ed norton!) and a picture and some Ann Summer's stuff. So yay :) My dad also called me, actually on my birthday, which was a first. Apparently he's gonna send me some stuff, which is also a first. So, yeah :) I do need to go see them soon though, mainly to see Ozziedog, but also to give my bro and sis some of the shit i've collected for them from the cinema. Posters and merchandise and stuff. Some of it's pretty cool, but its mostly pens and note pads and shit.

So, going out tonight to celebrate my birthday, and also to see Robin off before she leaves for Uni. Should be a good night. I've invited Ryan as well, which should be interesting, as i usually end up pulling him on every night out. Which is kinda the reason i invited him. Unfortunately, Maddy also invited Ben (and one i used to like) which is gonna be annoying. But, i havent seen him for a while so maybe things will be ok between us. I hope so.

Ok, so thats pretty much it i guess. At the moment i'm sitting in my room listening to Lilly Allen. She's the best Chav ever.

Ooh, and im getting my hair cut today, so i should go get ready. I really need to get highlights to make it more blonde, but i cant afford them :( sucks.

Anyway...that'll do.

xx

headache...

Once again, a long time in posting...


I guess quite a bit has happened. Let me think....

1)Elliot got a car. Its green and called Mr Car. It drives us places, which is fun. Even though Elliot has the ability to piss me off a lot of the time.

2) Maddy's upset with Emma coz Emma fancies John (yes, John) and keeps saying how if she wasnt with Elliot she could have him no problem, regardless of the fact that Maddy likes him. And then Emma said some kinda nasty things to Maddy in front of John in possibly an attempt to embarress her, and so she's pretty angry.

3) A friend of Maddy's from back home died last week so she's been pretty upset, understandably. We've been spending a lot of time just sitting in her room, listening to music and getting stoned, which is really bad but seemed to help her.

4) New girl at work called Michelle has stirred everything up. Most of the girls hate her and all the guys love her coz she's a slut and looks like a cosmetics counter girl, all blonde and fake tanned. She's also a complete fucking idiot. First she slept with Phil E (but we're not too bothered about that) and then she went after Dave M who has a lovely girlfriend. He got all confused and commitment phobic and considered leaving Celia for her. But during this time she also got close to Gareth D (the loveliest guy ever) so they started hating each other with threats of violence etc.

It all exploded on a night out for Ceri's birthday on saturday. Michelle started flirting with Tom H (lovely guy but a bit of a slut) and Dave M got annoyed and Gareth D wanted to hit someone and then Michelle threw her drink on Louise (who hated her anyway) and so Louise had a go at her and then Louise's boyfriend Mikey (normally a nice guy) stuck for Michelle and when Louise had a go at him for it, he spat in her face, so she threw him out and said she never wanted to be near him again, which i dont blame her. Oh, and Michelle went home with Dave W that night. Oh, and she may have slept with Matt (my future housemate and very close friend). I hate her :)

5) On a side note i did end up spending 83 pounds (got no pound symbol!) at the Ann Summers party. Haha :) Bought an amazing, and very revealing red top, and (gasp) a rabbit. As did everyone there. We were quite drunk all girls...Oh, and for the night out we were given uni-sex viagra...which didnt really work but was fun anyway.


Ooh, on a different note, Dannii (best mate from school) is coming to live in Cardiff over the summer, which will be amazing. Cant wait. And her house is gonna be just round the corner from mine.

Maddy's gone home for a bit now and Ben M (cock) has already moved out (thank god) so i have the house to myself. Might watch a dvd :)

Oh, and i still kinda like Dave T. I think, but im not sure. And he wasnt out for Ceri's birthday so i didnt get the chance to pull him. (annoyed)

Well, gonna go..do something useful now.

xxxxxx

Boring...

Thought i should update my life again.

Although to be fair, nothing much has happened recently. Been working a lot, and had a hellish day at work where everything broke (my till, the unlimited camera, the handle on the unlimited door, 2 coffee machines, all the drinks towers on level 3 etc) and i got annoyed with Michelle for going on her break before me so i ended up missing the break that i had been waiting for 4 hours for.

And then she was late so i missed my break and got shouted at. And then i called for a bronze check but when Craig got there i was serving, so Michelle had one, stole my pod, and then Craig left, so i didnt get a bloody drop and was therefore late to finish my shift. Bloody bitch. Grrrrr.

Ok, i'm aware that all of this sounds really petty, but that place is so bloody annoying anyway, and i'd already had every single stupid person in the world at my till that morning, i feel justified in my anger. But...meh :)

So, what else?

Maddy did my shift for me on Monday, which was nice coz i dont think i could have done another open without collapsing. She had an OK time, so yay :)

Ooh, saw Ricky Gervais live the other day at the CIA. Was amazing :) Then went to see Pirates 3 (digital!) which would have been good if not for the wankers sat next to me what talked and ate very loudly all the way through. I did tell them off but it just made them even worse. I wish i'd chucked them out, but i wasnt in uniform. Grrrr. But, the film was really good. I'll probably see it again.

Last night went out with Maddy and Emma to the Flora, which for some reason was full of drunken scally's. But we got very drunk also, which was nice.

After the flora we stumbled down the road to get chips and then walked back home, where we sat in Maddy's room and listened to Mike and chatted and re-bonded and cried (yes, we cried) and tried to play quitar. Then Elliot came over and Emma fell over and then they left and me and Maddy went to bed.

I also told them that i liked Dave T (yeah, going with him instead of John as ive come to the conclusion that John would make crap bf material)
According to Maddy, Dave always asks her about me, how i am and what i'm upto. So i've got some hope. Plus Emma and Maddy went all girly and giggly when i told them and said we'd be really good together, which is great coz i think so too. He really is a sweetie. *sigh*

So, yeah :)

Today me and Maddy had lunch at Mao's and now Maddy is in work and i should be applying for jobs and tidying my room/doing washing. But...i think i'm gonna update all my fics. Starting with End of the Line coz that one is kinda hanging over me at the moment.

Right. Thats it.

xxxxxx

Drunk...

Ok, im tired and drunk and i should really go to sleep coz im on an open 2moro, but i just wanna record certain events of the day.

Firstly...went out drinking with Maddy, Heather and Matt which was nice. Must make an effort to do more stuff with Heather coz she really is lovely.

Ah though, John was on shift 2day. Spent a lot of time talking to him, and flirting with him. Once again, when both me and Maddy are with him he seems to only look at me. Maddy still thinks she has a chance though. I've told her i'm not interested in him.

But, and im not sure whether im reading too much into this, but...

We were in Adam's office, just chatting after our shift. I'd been sitting in there with John for a while and it got a little dirty (the conversation) and we were in fits of giggles.

Then Maddy walked in, and we got ready to leave. Maddy had to remind John to check some paperwork over, so we were stood in front of his desk for a moment, talking to him. And i'm not sure how the conversation got to this, but it was something about his hands, and Maddy went to write something on his hand but he stopped her, and then said something about not looking at his hands and being able to do a lot with them without looking at them.

He said it very suggestively and we all laughed, and then he looked up at me and held my eye for a moment. We stared at each other, and then both looked away at the same time. I'm not sure if Maddy noticed....

But now though (and god, anyone reading this must think i'm a complete slut) there's Dave T. I think there's a chance something could happen between us, if i wanted it.

But who do i want....John or Dave??????

I dont know...

Aaaaarrggghhhh!

xxxxxx

Memory?

Hrm, it's been so long since i've posted in here that i cant remember what i've done.

Well, ive been searching for new jobs a lot, and will hopefully find something soon. Just applied for some admin/office type ones over the internet, and will try Legal and General soon, as Owain says the money is really good. Not sure how Siham will react to me working with her boyfriend though (haha).

Work is still a bit shit. Long hours and no thanks for anything. Went to the staff showing of Spiderman 3 and was very dissapointed. Ryan turned up though so i sat with him which was nice. I didnt realise how much i missed him actually. With all the crap with Ben i actually kinda forgot about him, which is a shame coz obviously quite a lot has happened between us. I'm not sure whether i like him that way though, which is also a shame coz he really is quite attractive, but i am really fond of him. I just text him in fact to see if he wanted to go and watch 28 Weeks Later.

Worked the opening weekend of Spiderman 3, which was pure hell, but also kinda fun. The cinema was actually busy again like it was when i first started and i think a lot of newer staff got the shock of their lives, coz they just werent used to it being that busy.

Pirates is coming out next week, which i cant bloody wait for, and then after that stuff like Fantastic 4, Transformers and The Simpsons.

Been doing a lot of writing at the moment as well. Updated End of the Line a bit, as well as another randle drabble that i kinda liked. Really i should be doing some original fiction writing and attempting to get some kind of portfolio together, but what the hell, that'll happen eventually.

Maddy, Emma and Elliot have gone to watch the Rugby today and i'm kinda sad that i'm not going with them. To be fair, i got the impression that they didnt want me there, as John's going with them and Maddy doesnt like the fact that he pays attension to me.

Ok, i didnt wanna bitch, but i'm gonna have to. None of my real life friends know about this, so i can bloody say what i want. That's why i got it in the first place.

So...New manager right. Called John. He's tall, thin, Scottish :) Not the most attractive guy in the world. I mean, he's not as attractive as Ryan say (my Ryan, or Ryan Stiles, hehe). But he's nice, and friendly and stuff. Before he even started work though, before Maddy had even met him, she convience herself that she would fancy him. But then when she actually met him she decided she didnt fancy him after all, but this other manager from Newport called Matt who was training with us for a while.

So anyway i go on holiday during this time and dont really meet Matt (who is now permenantly in Newport) so when i get back and meet John, i find i instantly kinda like him. Which was kinda funny as i didnt want to, and i told Maddy about it and we laughed. She said that it was wrong as it was her who was 'meant' to like him. Hrm.

Well, i then kinda decide that i dont wanna get into the whole crush thing again, so try my best to not fancy John, and for a while it works. Meanwhile however, Maddy starts to like him, and tells Emma and Elliot, and it becomes a whole big thing all about her.

So, every day we talk about him, how much she likes him, how much he talks to her etc. She goes on about how she thinks she has a chance with him and i dont wanna burst her bubble, but i really dont think she does. She's only 19 for a start, still a teenager, and he's 26. He's more mature than her, in every way, while she's still very much a child. They joke around at work, but once again he wont and cant take her seriously, because she's not professional and mature enough.

On another note however, whenever we're all together and talking, John will only ever look at me. I've noticed and so has Maddy, and she got very angry and claimed she hated him and he was a twat and everything. But i just love being around him, and we get on so well. But i know i cant say anything or do anything, coz once again, it's all about her. It's always about her.

Blah.

Ok, what else has happened? Had an allergic reaction to nuts the other day, which sucked. I was at work too which was annoying. Thought i was gonna pass out so i went and sat in the staff room, and then of course Ben came in and then wouldnt leave and sat with me for an hour while i refused to let everyone call an ambulance. He basically appologised for being an asshole and said he cared about me a lot, but just didnt want a relationship, which i kinda understand. He was very sweet though, if a little over protective. Ah well :) Oh, and he's quit the cinema to go travelling, so i wont be seeing much of him anymore. Sigh.

Maddy bought a new hampster, which is a freak and possibly called Tony, or Billy Brown. It's big and fluffy and very strange. At first it didnt do anything but sit and stare at us, and then one night it moved all of its food from its food bowl into the top of its tube. Every last peice. Now it rarely leaves its tube. Freak.

Watched Saw 3 the other day with Elliot and nearly puked. Was probably coz i'd had about 5 large glasses of wine in the pub before, but also coz it's a disgusting film. Oh well.

Got an invite to Gemma and Neil's wedding the other day. Wow, i'm getting old. Need to reply to that.

Dannii also asked me if i wanted to go watch the Grand Prix, which i really bloody want to. Will all depend on money though.

Um...got a new obsession with Greg. Very odd indeed, but i just cant help it. He's lovely.

Wow, this is the longest post ever. Should really go and get ready for work now, so i'm not late. sucks.

xxxxxxx

Grrr Aaarg!

Well, i know i should prolly update a few things, least of all stuff that happened on holiday so i dont forget, but its really late and ive got to get up early for a fire evac at work 2moro, so im not going to.

Will say however that me, Maddy, Emma and Elliot went to see The Woman In Black this evening, which is my fave play ever. Emma didnt like it much coz it scared her, but the others did, and i bloody loved it again. So yay.
And then we ordered pizza and sat in Maddy's room and chatted. fun fun.

Ooh, and last week Horatio escaped and got lost somewhere in the house, like *in* the house and we thought he'd died. And then i got home from work last night and found him on the stairs!! I put him in my bag and carried him up to Maddy who was very happy. Yay!

Well, thats about it really. Work was shit today, as per usual. Still fancy the new manager which is also shit.

Yeah...

Oh No!

Oh No! The worst thing has happened! I fancy the new manager! How the fuck did that happen? I went on holiday for a week, (which was kinda shitty) came back, went into the office and BAM! smitten :) Dammit!

He's not even that attractive, really. He's tall, with light brown hair and he's kinda skinny so not really my type at all. (Apart from the tallness)... He does have a lush scottish accent though. I mean, it's to die for.

And then i was in the cash office with him all night and we just laughed and joked around like we'd known each other for ages, and it was so nice. And then today i chatted to him and he came down to my level, which he didnt need to do coz he wasnt technically working, just being trained. He came to level 1 snacks and wandered around a bit and looked over paper work and then started chatting to me. Oh shit, this is annoying coz now im gonna start over-analysing everything, like usual. No, he wanted to walk round the building to check over things, and just happened to stop and talk coz he was being polite and friendly. *sigh*

I'm such a dork.

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